I just unleashed my monstrous side of me, something I don't normally do or show to others. Yes, I am Kay, I may be funny, mostly annoying, not that pretty, doesn't have a good voice, no real talent other than eating... but deep within me lies this other Kay, who lashes out at the people around her when things reach a tipping point.
Today is my great grandma's 100 year old birthday dinner party. Last month she was taken to the ER when she got the flu. Give thanks she's okay now. She believed in God a couple years ago, give thanks for that too. So how did this happy day turn into such a shipwreck for me?
Confusion and mishap ensued at home.. I'm mostly angry I missed my class. I wish my parents better communicated with us, with each other--mostly in communication in general. I can't use my other monstrous half to be the blame for all of this, I can't seem to blame Satan either.. it was me who fallen into temptation, into anger, into ..an abyss of chaos.
How can this night get any better? How can I possibly show my face at dinner tonight while knowing very well my parents and brother will be faking their happiness when deep down they're extremely mad at me? I can't tell you exactly what went wrong at home today, just a lot of confusion and anger. Some screaming, some swearing--lots of crying. It seems really silly, honestly. It only lasted for ten minutes and ended with me sobbing on the floor. At the end, I almost feel embarrassed. How on earth did I turn into a screaming and crying dramatic crazy?!
I'm going to try my best right now to put on something distracting, through a bunch of concealer around my eyes, and paint my face with smiles.
I'm stressed that my family is split into two groups, my mom and my dad. Although they may be together in marriage still, they're still very separate in their morals and values, their habits, their communication...and everything else. It's not the school that is getting me stressed out--you'd think it'd be the school.
Actually, I'm very happy at school all the time, sometimes I wish I'd never leave downtown. But the family life at home is tough and stressful. What a coincidence actually, a couple weeks ago a few Jehovah Witnesses approached our doorsteps and introduced me to their magazine, this issue about families in turmoil and how they can rely on God for all their needs. I felt like a hypocrite for turning them down with a, "no thanks, our family is okay--we're all Christian and God is the foundation of our household." How ironic. It doesn't seem like He is anymore.
It's so weird living in a broken household that doesn't seem broken at all.
Sisters, there are so many things going on around us, so many important things to pray for; so please don't be offended if I put my family first on my prayer list.. I feel as if I really need this right now. I hope that in a few weeks I'll be able to post something more encouraging with good news.
Until then: with love,
-Kay.
4 Responses:
family is important :) and i'm glad that you have it first on your list.
your family and you will be in my prayer list as well!
we all fall into that crazy side of ours sometimes, i had my share of that already recently lol, but not exactly family related (rmb teh angry bird analogy? lol) :P
yea anywhos, things will always get better. Trust Him. =)
aw Kay I understand how what you are going through. I've had worst moments than that and yeah when you think about what really set you off, it is very embarrassing. Don't dwell on it too much because whatever happened already happened and you can't do anything about it, but continue to pray for yourself and your family and how you can redeem yourself of this situation.
And you are not being a hypocrite for you reply to the Jehovah's Witnesses because everyone in your family IS all Christian and God will continue to be the foundation of your household. He never forgets or loses faith in His children so don't you lose faith either! Also don't feel accused by your posting here, I am very happy that I can share with you even your downs and not only your ups. (And I believe that is why we started this blog? So we can share with one another)
I also pray for myself and my family first before anything else because they are my weakness in my spiritual life. I feel I have to deny myself a Christian around them and be "normal" to avoid being offended by them especially by my Muslim brother. I know these feelings are wrong concepts and satan's accusation so I must pray for them first.
God will make a way for you! Do not lose faith!
Hey Hey. Sorry for not being on this site for so long... and also missing this post.
I think we all unleash a side of us at home that nobody else will see or maybe understand. It's not pretty, but it's reality. We wouldn't usually unleash this side unless it's with our family. So, you're not alone... but I trust your family loves you and even if at that moment they don't get it - they will eventually get it. It's incredily hard not to react to family stuff. I find that I become a lot more sensitive with my mom. Everything she says, I'll jump to the conclusion of what she means and then arguments arise.
I'm grateful that God understands us the most. Sounds cliche, but it's the truth. :)
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