When Life feels empty

Sometimes you wonder why life is so unfair. You look all around you and you see people enjoying life with their friends, family, and loved ones and you're walking all alone to school/work. You see pictures on billboards with people living what seems to be a life of wealth, pleasures, and other superficial things, without being aware that the person walking in front of you is still struggling with drug addiction and family problems. 

There are times when you're bored with nothing to do. Your path ahead appears to be a field. You think about other things to do, like drawing and running, and you wonder if it's worth it. You don't really have much of a choice except for DNTG-ing, or take the wasteful path of browsing things on the internet and checking Facebook every hour. Sometimes you even wonder why your non-believer classmates and friends have a lot of blessings in their packed lives and you don't have much. You get jealous when one of your friends talk and post nothing except for how much they're in love with their significant other or house or whatever. You ask God "How come my life is so boring compared to (inserts name of person)?"

There are times when it's the Lord's will that you have an unsatisfying life so you can fly back to Him. He wants your full attention toward Him because He loves you so much. The Lord wants to hold authority over you so you can have a best life He desires you to have. If we search for a life that doesn't match God's plan, thinking only about ourselves, then we would find ourselves empty, no matter how many things we have.

"For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away." James 4:14

Recalling yesterday's group meeting we were talking about how we care so much about worldly matter we forget about the Best. We should be blessed that no matter how busy or bored we are we should treasure every moment with the Lord, because you never know what happens tomorrow according to His plan. The same goes for non-believers who seem satisfied with their lives. One day they could lose everything, like Job. They need God just as much as we do because only He can mould our lives perfectly.

If you feel that your life needs a little kick, you can pray to God for yourself "Lord, I know that You cause all things to work for Your good. Let me know what You want me to do with my life."

Who Am I?

Yesterday I attended a distant relative's wedding luncheon with my family (it was my dad's cousin from my grandma's sister's family). My grandma's sister's family, if you recall, are Catholics. However, my uncle, who was getting married, is a Christian. His decision to convert to Christianity was difficult to everyone (as Catholics and Protestants did not have a very nice history in the past). This marriage of his was not fully accepted by his own family members, not because he chose to have a Christian ceremony, but because this was also his second marriage (after his first one failed). Besides the awkward giant elephant in the room during the wedding luncheon, I got to meet the newest member of the family, my baby second-cousin. I also caught up with some of my other second-cousins who were much smaller the last time I saw them, but has started to grow up. My grandma's side of the family are young and has mostly children.

During this time I realized that this family was growing by numbers and that God's presence was in it--and at the same time, Satan was using his full strength to also tear this family apart. Back at home after the wedding, I began to think about my own immediate family, my grandparents on my mom's side who has not been saved yet, my aunts and uncles, and my youngest cousin... I suddenly felt this surge of energy through my veins, something inside me screamed, "GO BRING THEM BACK TO CHRIST!" I felt myself talking back through this energy doubting, "Who--me?!" This energy replied, "YES YOU!" I replied hesitantly, "who am I?"

I felt myself being instantly reminded of Moses when he encountered God's voice talking to him through this burning bush--I'm not saying this "energy" I felt was God's voice.. I'm not sure what it was. Perhaps it was the Holy Spirit stirring my soul to an epiphany to realize how much my family needs God. So here I was, in the bathroom, debating with this energy. "Look," I continued, "I already tore my family apart in the past, look at all the mess I've made. How am I supposed to put it all back together and fix this?" Patiently and reassuringly this energy told me, "With God, all things are possible." With that, I felt this energy fade away to the back of my mind echoing those last words. With God, all things are possible. This family needs God, this family needs revival!

This story sounded all too familiar; in Exodus 3:11-12 as Moses questioned his credibility, "who am I...?" and God responded to him, "I will certainly be with you..." Moses must have been so scared and doubtful of himself. Bringing the children of Israel out of Egypt into freedom is ambitious--and daunting. I also felt nervous about myself, doubting my spiritual strength. I don't know how to do this. I must pray more earnestly for my family than ever before. But with my past mistakes, how can they possibly see me as a Christian? How would they ever take me seriously? How can I possibly glorify God when my past failed judgements and mistakes clouded their impression of me? This is going to be difficult, I thought to myself. Then again, it's never that easy. But just like Moses, I was reminded that with God all things are possible and that "[He] will certainly be with you".

It's Mother's Day today, and while this post started off being about famous mothers in the Bible, it took a turn towards my own struggle with myself; my struggle to fix what I did wrong, and to glorify God with a stain on my reputation as a Christian in my family. Alas, we are just human and mistakes are all made; we are all growing up in Christ so sometimes mistakes are made--but we must learn from them instead of dwelling on them, this is how we grow even more.

I know most of you sisters still have mothers (and family alike) whom we want to be saved. Sometimes language barriers make it difficult for us to preach the gospel, or cultural differences make it harder for them to be open-minded to Christianity because they are so firm with their current beliefs. Or perhaps, our past mistakes are making it harder for us to glorify God in our families because our family has clouded their thinking still dwelling on our mistakes. But whatever the difficulty we must break through these barriers! We must work harder, and pray harder than ever before. The Lord is coming soon! Let us not forget that, and feel the urgency in this.

May we glorify God in this generation. May God greatly use us in our own households to bring our family members back to Christ and be saved. Whatever difficulties caused by Satan or personal problems, may we remember that God is always with us; with Him, all things are possible! We must have faith and be strong in our spirits. May God be the head of our household, may His presence be greatly with our families. May the Holy Spirit be poured down upon our family members and have them open their spiritual eyes to see Christ living through us--and past whatever barrier that is preventing them from seeing that.

It seems fitting for today being Mother's Day, that we should pray for our Mothers tonight. Whether you have a good relationship, bad relationship, or none at all--may we pray for their soul. I hope we can work harder towards this and bring our families to Christ, or bring them closer to Christ. Tonight I have started praying for my family members again. I was reminded of a post I made earlier on this blog about trying to bring my family closer to God again--I think it is time I revived that goal of mine.

Most importantly, I have to pray for myself. It's been a difficult year for me as I tried cleaning up my past woes. I've been battling with myself, my wants, desires and ignored what I needed. I feel as if I am spiritually unfit and easy to Satan's attacks, accusations and temptations. Recently I have been disciplining myself physically and spiritually but I doubt my own spiritual strength. So this energy echoes deep within my heart, "With God, all things are possible."

Karen's Life Journey- The University Years

It's been so long since I've posted something on Blogger. I've been very busy in school. Now everything's settled now that I've officially graduated the program yesterday.

For those of you who have done University/College/etc. You've probably experience something similar.

First of all I feel so thankful that the Lord has put me into East District two years ago, even though I've popped into meetings every now and then before then. I've made very great relationships with sisters (and some brothers?) that I never thought I could share and spend time with before. <3 The Lord really understands my needs for company. But best of all, I've gained spiritually and find the relationship with Abba and the Lord more enjoyable. :)

You see, the years in university isn't always a smooth ride. Throughout the years I've had my ups and downs.
During the first couple years it has been good that I've lived on my own and had good roommates. Though my relationships with them aren't as close as I wanted to, but I still thank the Lord that I was surrounded by nice and caring people.
By third year I've experienced a downturn in life where I've gotten very depressed. I started to become more distant with friends since I've moved back with parents and had a huge load of homework from a disorganized curriculum. I've also been spiritually disobedient at the time. Listening to stuff that I shouldn't be listening to, hurting my own body to ease the pain. Even Christians have their angsty times, but the Lord never gives up because He loves and needs me so much.
During the summer while my job searching didn't succeed, and I was having a difficult time spending time with friends, I joined summer day camp. It was the Lord calling on me to be more closer to Him. Not only did I start experiencing spiritual renewal but I've also felt closer with sisters.
It was during the end of 2011 that I've experienced a turning point in my spiritual life. By fourth year it has been very tough when I felt so unwanted and unimportant to people in my classes. The Lord really saw me distressed and lonely from school and shone a light on me. I truly give thanks that during that time I was able to seek more sisters and be more committed to the Lord. If it wasn't for His glory I would've keep falling and won't be able to overcome personal issues.
I thank the Lord for putting me through and helping me stay alive, both physically and spiritually. (I believe I haven't pulled more than 10 all nighters in the entirety of the program, compared to most other people). Now that school's over I really need to continue to treasure His love and blessings.

It's important to know that no matter what we have to face, if we rely on God for everything and letting Him involve Himself in our (even mundane) lives, then He will surely bless us. Be thankful and treasure whatever blessings He gave you.

Response to Sunday's Message, &, When Should You End a Friendship?

I was just reading an article online, and it showed a part (just a part, not the entirety of the article) that related similarly to the message last Sunday. Here is an excerpt:

When Jesus’ friend and disciple Peter tried to talk Jesus out of giving His life, Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns” (Matt. 16:23). No one could distract Jesus from God’s agenda, not even His followers.

 When I read this verse, I never understood it in this context. It was a little confusing for me--why did Jesus call Peter 'Satan'? Now, coupling it with last Sunday's message I understand what Jesus was saying to Peter more clearly now.

There was this moment when I just went, "OHHHHH I get it now!" when I read this article. I always enjoy getting a good kick out of things that relate to something else I heard about earlier or recently. I can't ever tell if it is a coincidence or because I'm noticing this one specific thing more so everything that relates to it will stand out more than before. Pretty sure it's the latter.

Click here for the link to the article. It's titled "When Should You End a Friendship?". Although this is irrelevant to my short response to Sunday's message, I think it is important for us to understand the 'toxic' people and habits in our lives. This is especially when we graduate high school.. unfortunately some friendships will break or become more distant, or you will meet new people in University/College. But know that if a friendship starts to wane, it may be in God's plan for you to go from the past and move on; or if you make a new friendship that is dangerous for your spiritual health, know and recognize that you must leave it!

May we treasure our blessings and keep these teachings in our hearts.

-Kay

update

Hi sisters Here's a brief update on my mom. A couple days ago (thurs) i went with her to the doctors, they wanted to explore the option of bone marrow transplant for her because they think she has a 60% of leukemia relapsing, but then again, the transplant has its high risks also.. they said 2/3 people don't make it in her case (age group.. etc) so it was a very scary and tough decision to make... Please pray for her and my dad, they must be pretty shocked and worried. My mom's thinking of just doing the transplant. Either road seems so.. unclear. dont do - somewhere along the road, it'll relapse and she'll be even sicker.. do - chance of not making it really high, but its a chance of survival/cure of leukemia... i don't know what to do. i've been praying a lot for her. yesterday i talked to her again about God, just like a reminder if she still rmbs accepting Jesus, and she said yes :), the thing is... her concept is still pretty questionable, she says she believes in Jesus, but also in her old religion, all gods kind of thing .. :S i was like, you can't believe in all gods, there can only be one, but she insisted that she believes Jesus, but also the other... (i asked her why... she said mainly because she was brought up in it, and if she doesn't she'd feel like she's betraying her parents, its like being dutiful to her parents/honouring them.. i didn't what to say, except, ok... but i told her bro/sis will be praying for her, so if everything works out, i hope she knows that Jesus was the one working the miracles. hehe...) Anyways... yea... tough stuff ahead for my family and i think it's sorta affecting me also. of course i want her to be fine, have successful process of transplant, but it's always the unknown, i just hope she really does believe in God/Jesus :) sometimes, i feel like we're the israelites... God performed miracles for them, but when things are going ok, they forgot Him... (my mom is fine after her super sick stage, something i'll always give thanks for) but now, we're like asking for another miracle.. we cry out to Him when we need deliverance, and i know it shouldn't be like that, but should always praise and give thanks, it's something i'm still working on, i need to have greatest faith in Him :) I also need to know how to help my mom be like that too... ok that's all. again, please pray for my mom and dad :) thank yous!

Sleep

It seems surreal to say it: I had my last exam yesterday! I am officially moving on to third year university and hoping to graduate within another two years. One baby step at a time, and each year I'll celebrate each step. And during the past three weeks, I have neglected sleep, nutrition, and overall health (including my mental health) as I worked hard for these exams and other planning stuff. After my last exam was over at noon, I wanted to just go home and sleep but my friend wanted to go out and 'celebrate'. As tired as he knew I was, he insisted that we go and 'celebrate'. So after movies and dessert, I rushed home late that night. All I could think about was diving into bed and falling straight to sleep, but instead I found myself taking my time in the shower, slowly getting ready to go to bed, and just sitting on the edge of my bed for at least a good fifteen minutes. I didn't even check Facebook or my email during that time either. I just sat there. I pulled out my notebook and wrote this:

That moment of surrender right before you go to sleep after a long and tiring day--you finally allow yourself to stop and rest. Vulnerable, yet at a complete peace. You are almost afraid to fall asleep right away because you want to enjoy this moment--this moment when you can actually feel your body relax...fall from the edge of stress and into the arms of sleep.

Then I closed my Moleskin-wannabe-notebook, said my grace, so vaguely gave thanks for everything, and laid down on my pillow. I didn't even get to put my covers on yet. I wanted to slowly go to sleep and just take in every moment and step of falling asleep. I treasure sleep so much, others say I over-analyze sleep. As you see, when I was a kid, I had trouble sleeping and this developed over time into my teenage years where my lack of sleep caused a lot of problems. Sleep is so important to me, that I even plan meticulously the details of my bed (one extra-long twin sized bed frame with a stiff mattress and a medium-stiff memory foam on top, two king-sized pillows, down-feather duvet, with 800 thread-count comforter cover...), my mom helps me with this too as she also loves sleep. Notice that I said "sleep" in it's noun form and not "to sleep" in it's verb form. I love sleep.

However, during the past few weeks, not only did I purposely force myself awake to study, and even when I did manage to have a night off, I would wake up violently in the middle of the night--my body felt extremely weak. I cannot ever "over-sleep", for instance, today I tried to sleep in til' noon and I ended up waking up at 9am instead. Close enough, I suppose, just a few hours later than what I normally wake up to. So last night's sleep was the best sleep I had in months, not because of the hours of sleep I had but the feeling of going to sleep..drifting away into slumber.

I think I may have over-meditated on sleep a bit as I began to think, even the Lord had no place to lay his head! I thought of His tiring journey to the cross, and I instantly felt tired from even thinking about it. After a day's physical hard work, your body would normally just crave sleep. I found myself trying to feel what it must have felt like for the Lord to finally "give in" to death (if only for temporary). It must have felt so wonderful to "sleep" (when I was a kid I imagined Jesus just sleeping in the tomb for three days, although that might not be the fully correct term of what happened to Jesus afterwards). "Sleep" must have been the best thing that happened to Him all day after being ridiculed, spat on, tortured...

Very similar to what I wrote in my notebook: I meditated on why didn't He just choose to die quickly while He was on the cross? He technically could have "finished" His mission and not endure it any longer. And so I thought to myself, maybe it was the same satisfaction as I had felt..slowing the time before tiredness and sleep. Although I would exactly describe it as "satisfaction"--which is why it makes what He did so romantic and...well, words just can't describe.

My mom jokingly said, "I love sleep so much, I would go take a nap in heaven even if I didn't have to!"

Valentine's Day in the eyes of the Lord

Yes, it's that time of year where lalala... love is in the air. A day to celebrate with loved ones, and for some, a day to cringe about how unfair life is.

Actually, the truth behind Valentine's day is quite heartbreaking. It is dedicated to a saint who was martyred for bringing Christians to marry. It reminds us about the Christians who have been persecuted for glory the Lord, just like how He was persecuted that we may glorify Him. It's so precious that today we could celebrate because the Lord is with us, from now until eternity.

So yesterday I bought three roses (before I realized the school's selling roses at a better deal) and put them in my living room. Then I remembered and thought about the Lord's love for me. I imagined what it would be like to have a Valentine's Day conversation with Him.
I say. "Beloved, these roses are truly beautiful."
He says "Darling, not only have I given to you, but I created them to remind you of how beautiful and precious you are in My heart, and that nothing should take away your beauty."

It's so amazing that God speaks to us by the things He created on Earth. How precious that the rose is so wonderfully made. Its thorns help protect the rose from being touched and damaged by animals.

And a quote from Songs of Solomon to keep the love flowing.

Shulamite: I am the rose of Sharon, and the lily of the valleys.
Beloved: Like a lily among thorns, so is my love among the daughters.
- Songs of Solomon 2:1-2

So if you're that kind of person who gets jealous on that day, think about how much the Lord desires you. Jealousy will only make your heart harden and you'll be missing out on so much love He intended to offer. So, enjoy the rest of your day, or rather, eternity, in the love of the Beloved.

-Karen

Morning Glory

Happy Valentine's Day! <3 - From the plant in my room

This is a 'morning glory'. I grow this in my room every year. It's a climbing plant that climbs up and twirls itself around some fishing wire I've attached to the ceiling--so it keeps growing up to the ceiling until winter; it creates this curtain of flowers. It's messy to clean up every winter when it dies. The vines are all over the place, the leaves get crushed and goes all over my room, the dried up flowers fall and litter my floor, and I eventually end up getting soil all over my desk. So my friend asked me, why do I still grow this in my room at the end of every winter?

Well, I explained to her, that morning glories are a special kind of plant. It blooms a new flower every single day, in the morning. When the flower closes and fades in the evening, it starts to grow seeds where it bloomed. 

Still, she didn't see the appeal. So I explained again from a spiritual perspective. This plant, reminds me of the Lord's love. Every morning He gives me flowers. The vines are like the Lord's encouragement to me, He tells me to keep climbing! Even when the plant reaches the ceiling, it keeps growing, it doesn't stop--the Lord has so much planned for us, it seems limitless. Sometimes when I trim the plant by cutting the vines, more vines will grow up to replace where I've cut. Never give up, even when you've been 'cut down'. The plant is very tall when it reaches up to the ceiling which means I have to give it lots of water for the water to reach up there--this reminds me to be rooted in His love, to drink His blessings, fight 'gravity' to bring it throughout my entire life, to reach every 'leaf'.

She then looked troubled and said that being a morning glory must be a really horrible life (if morning glories had personalities). She explained, every day you labor to produce flowers, only to have the flowers wither away at the end of the day and for your entire self to wither away at the end of the year. Labor until death. 

And so I replied to comfort her, at the end of the day when the flower withers away, the stem in which the flower bloomed from still remains attached to the plant. From there, seeds are produced in the bud. At the end of the season when all the seeds have been collected, more morning glory plants can be planted at 20x the original amount! I said, the Lord will never forget your labors and toils and you will be rewarded for it. Your labor will never be in vain! 

 

So she found peace in this plant, just as I have. I love receiving flowers from the Lord through this plant, especially during the winter time. Knowing God is in the Small Things is really encouraging! You don't have to look too big or too far, He will always find a way to tell you He loves you. So, I thought I would share this with you! Hope to lift some February Blues.

Respond in the comments below:

What kind of 'small' daily blessings do you find yourself receiving from the Lord?

Devalued

A picture I took when I went to survey the Distillery District. It's a rather bad image due to my low quality of a camera--but when I stood there in that spot as I looked towards the colourful city, I thought, it's a shame that this place was left to ruins as the city progressed. It's almost as if the rest of the city had abandoned this district so it could grow faster; as if the Distillery District was dead weight... but it came back. The district is growing again.

Just a short sharing.. it's amazing how the Lord speaks to each one of us. If we keep our eyes and ears open, the Lord will chose the right moment to speak words to us, and in the most unexpected places, as well. Why, just last week while sitting in lecture, my professor said something that really sparked an epiphany. He said, "If we think of Algonquin Park as a place to escape from the city, then we have devalued the city--we have created this 'other', this exotic image of what nature should appear to be, as a pleasant place to go, that we have completely abandoned the idea of transforming our neighbourhood to be just as pleasant a place to be."

I sat in my Perspective of the Environment class stunned in awe at what he said. I thought to myself, this is exactly what I needed to hear! In order to have revival, it is not just going away from something to find something new, but to go back to the old and transform it. Have I devalued what I already had so quickly to the point where I already want something new? Is what I have gained a toy where I have played with it enough where I want a new one? And thus caused me to wander off to search for the 'other'--a place, or something, or someone, that I can escape to?

May we not devalue what we have gained, because what we have gained is so beautiful. Let us transform it together! :)

Be blessed, and be a blessing

Life is becoming a burden these days. Nowadays the world demands of things that don't seem to matter because it will perish one day. Let's say for example: Sometimes I wonder why I'm learning stuff like how to design Green Buildings so they can last for a long time, or consider renewable energy instead of oil so the world will be a better place. Well, going green may help improve the environment, but in the end it won't matter because the world will perish. (sorry for being a pessimist) I'm not saying keep using your cars and pollute all you want, because you don't want to make this place worse to live in either. Remember that a clean, healthy environment is a blessing the Lord had made, and He will greatly involve Himself in every aspect of life.

  ...celebrate the dedication with gladness, both with thanksgivings and singing... - Nehemiah 12:27

 It's so precious that the Lord revealed Himself more to me about His will of joy and His desire to share it with me. Even though I'm still battling the wrong concept of thinking that you can't enjoy anything anymore because everything's so fruitless or will perish, I do hope that He will bring me joy from His blessings.

Speaking of which, I do have prayer requests for myself and my friends from university. Even though I'm not that 'close' to them, I care about them very much. I saw that their hearts are saddened by the wrong concepts of this world and I really want the Lord to reveal Himself to them. Pray for me also that I may reconnect with them, because my contacts with them are becoming more distant. I really want Him to greatly use me in this generation.
Give me a call if you want me to talk more about this.

 -Karen

Born in the wrong generation?

Something came to my mind earlier. Yesterday a bunch of brothers shared about the difficulties people are facing today. More people who get married end up being divorced, people don't marry until they're in the 30s because of jobs, or not waste their effort in marrying at all. Nowadays, I ask myself, why do we have to suffer so much to earn a good living?

Sometimes I wish that I was born 10, or 20 years earlier, when things seem to be much simpler. Back in the days people spend more time hanging out and socialize instead of sitting in front of the computer all day. People seem to be much happier back then, don't they?


But we have to remember that God has chosen when and where I was born. He did so with a purpose and a meaningful plan.

Acts 17:26- And He has made from one blood every nation of men to dwell on all the face of the earth, and has determined their preappointed times and the boundaries of their dwellings. 
Also, God didn't create us so we could suffer in this world, but to enjoy it abundantly.
Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.


When I think again, I realized that I am very blessed to be here now. We live in a wealthy country with luxuries that we tend to neglect (some places still don't have access to clean water and people live next to factories) and it's sad that a lot of us still whine about not having the trendiest clothes or not getting good grades in school. Sure, some b/s complain about the world being more corrupt, but we have to realize it always has been corrupt in Biblical times as it is today. It's just that things are different because we are more educated with rules to prevent us from hurting ourselves and others. Also remember that spiritual blessings like the Bible and missionary trips are becoming more accessible in this generation. Hundreds of years ago very few people have access to the Truth because of burdens from the government/society, and they even get killed for doing so!


So, enjoy your blessings He gave you today, and rejoice!


-Karen

building 429 - Walls are coming down

break through sisters! :)
LYRICS:

I'm where I don't wanna stay
Close enough but far away
There is just too much at stake
I don't want to miss the moment of embrace, yeah,

I don't wanna stand at an arm's length
From the hands that are reaching to save me
Right here right now His hands are reaching out
I don't wanna stand at an arm's length
From the hands that are reaching to hold me
Right here right now my walls are coming down

I keep waiting for the sign
But maybe I'm the one that's blind
Let my fear and faith collide
Cause I don't want to miss the reason I'm alive, yeah

I don't wanna stand at an arm's length
From the hands that are reaching to save me
Right here right now His hands are reaching out
I don't wanna stand at an arm's length
From the hands that are reaching to hold me
Right here right now my walls are coming down

And I spend all my life holding back, holding back
And now I wonder, what for? I won't hold back any more

I don't wanna stand at an arm's length
From the hands that are reaching to save me
Right here right now His hands are reaching out
I don't wanna stand at an arm's length
From the hands that are reaching to hold me
Right here right now my walls are coming down
[x2]

big dreams lead to big prayers which lead to big things (in the Lord)

Why hello there :)

just wanted to briefly share what i gained from yesterday's gta tpt.
one thing was...
our value: we are worth more than an eternity to the Lord :) He redeemed us by His blood so that we can have eternity with Him. He'd rather do whatever it takes to gain us than to spend eternity without us. :)

The second thing was... if we DREAM BIG for Him, we should PRAY BIG, and this will lead to BIG THINGS HAPPENING :)
This is related to having the spiritual CAR (connect to Him, align vision to His, and respond to Him)
The core of the commission is for us to... LIVE WITH HIM. We were created in His image for one reason alone to be in this love fellowship with Him
let's live it out! :)


dream big for Him, pray about it and He will do great things :)
ps.. now I gotta go look for the book "The prayer of Jabez" and read 8-)

strive on!
-jennt

Count Your Blessings

Couple months ago I got my brother an Xbox 360. Initially it was supposed to be a surprise gift for his graduation. I tried my best to hide it in my room...but if you've been in my room, you will know that my room is small and where could I honestly hide an Xbox in there? So he found out. And instead of an ecstatic 14 year old I was expecting, he went, "oh. An Xbox. Who plays with an Xbox anymore? This is garbage." And then I told him it was for him. His eyes opened a little wider, in my head I was counting down for the happy smile, three, two, one... and he replied with, "ew" and walked away.

I'm left standing there hurt and confused. I wanted to throw him the "Back-in-my-Day" speech. BACK IN MY DAY, I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE  A GAME CONSOLE. BACK IN MY DAY WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A LAPTOP. BACK IN MY DAY...

I was so hurt. This level of ungratefulness was stabbing. I have an apathetic 14 year old brother, I thought. It's not my parent's fault that the age difference between my brother and I is so big, but sometimes I ask, why, Lord? So the Lord reminds me that the most important times of my childhood I get to spend alone with my parents and when I got lonely, I remember me, the 7 year-old Kay, praying for a little brother or sister. The prayer is still so clear in my mind, the Lord never let me forget it. 

"God please give me a brother or sister--doesn't matter which one, I don't care...I just want someone to play with."

Cute, eh? He never let me forget it so that I will never be ungrateful for this blessing for a little brother. Sometimes I may be mad at him, and I remember going through an age where I was mad at my family members. I remember saying hurtful things to him (and to make it worse, at that time he was even younger than now), saying that I didn't want a brother anymore. Ouch, right? But the Lord puts this prayer in my memory so that I could remember why Anson is in my life. If I could go back in time and take back all that I said, I would. But I can't change the feelings he has for me right now. It's probably full of despise and loathe.

Trying to make up for my mistakes is difficult. My brother is hard to read. He complains I don't spend enough time with him, so I spend time with him. He then complains I'm interrupting him during his online gaming on the PC--so I ask if I could play with him on my laptop in the other room (he does that with his cousin when he comes over to visit. It's strange to see two kids on the laptop in two separate rooms playing online games together. Back in my day ...) and he says he doesn't want me to play online with him or I'll 'kill his high score'. And then when I give up, he starts complaining again that I never hang out with him. The level of confusion is too great for my head to bear. I don't remember being this complicated when I was 14 years old... or maybe I was.

There was a part of a sharing on Sunday that stuck in my mind. I'm having an epiphany right now. It went something like, "take your blessings the Lord gives you and use it". So I am reminded, have I counted my blessings? Sure my brother may be an ungrateful generation Y and I am an aging generation X--but he is a blessing to me. I cannot undo the things I have said, but I can change now to be a better role model for my brother. Hopefully he sees me as not just a public enemy, but as a human being with real memories of the past, with real emotions and feelings. That's how I saw my parents after my many years of accusations against them. And when I saw them in that light, I was more appreciative of them. Like one of my professors said, "you can never know a biography of a person without knowing the history of their ancestors." 

So that also reminds me of Nehemiah. "Remember me, Oh my God." I find this theme coming up a lot in my week. May we continue to count our blessings, recognize them, and use them to glorify God.

flawed.

Disclaimer: Jennt is ranting and releasing stuff that's on her mind.. very emo.
Not for the faint of heart.

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jennt is flawed.
jennt needs to be considerate
jennt needs to be hard-working
jennt needs to stop complaining
jennt needs to stop talking so much
jennt needs to stop being obnoxious
jennt needs to mature up
jennt needs to ...
jennt is flawed.

but He still loves jennt...
stop accusing yourself,jennt.
jennt can confuse herself easily.
jennt can be frustrated with self.
jennt can beat self up
jennt will get nowhere by doing so.
regardless of how jennt is,
He loves jennt the same.

yes,
i talk to myself sometimes...
i judge myself sometimes...
jennt is emo,
but she will feel better soon.
=)